Less Painful: Watching Jacksonville Or Undergoing Invasive, Unnecessary Surgery?

(credit: Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
Photo: FRED DUFOUR/AFP/Getty Images
  • Preparation
    Don't research them. Think nothing of their fantasy players, as the term borders on an oxymoron. Don't think about anything. Just eat as much as you can. All this will be behind you soon enough. Find the positive in this, as it is still technically football, after all.
    Research, prepare yourself and relax. Don't eat anything 24 hours beforehand. All this will be behind you soon enough.
  • Sedation Method
    Alcohol. It won't knock you out completely, but it's the best you can do to numb the pain.
    General Anesthesia. You won't feel a thing. Plus, you'll be removed from all the pain of the outside world, like watching the Jacksonville Jaguars.
  • Duration
    When both first team offenses are still playing, or the entire game itself? As much as four hours before the final whistle sounds.
    The average heart surgery also takes three to four hours. Add on prep time as well as the subsequent hours of slowly waking up and re-acclimating to your surroundings, and your whole day is practically shot.
  • In Game Performance
    Those in charge will perform with the utmost incompetence, so much so their collective efforts only bear, at most, a passing resemblance to a football organization.
    Your team is highly skilled and precise. They operate with extreme precision and care nothing about a razor thin margin of error. Unlike a football in a Jacksonville game, you are in good hands.
  • Recovery
    While spectators during the actual viewing experience often report symptoms bordering on extreme pain, recovery is nearly instantaneous. So long as the spectator possesses a remote control or a working fantasy cast, the painful memories of what has just been witnessed customarily vanish instantly, as opposed to searing into the brain permanently. By 4:35, all should be well again.
    While the procedure itself will be painless, the months to come will be unkind. As painful as the first Sunday after the Super Bowl. Medication, physical therapy, insurance battles - this is the hard part, I'm afraid.
RESULTS
Looks like the Jags win. I may be the only writer who types such a sentence this entire calendar year. Yes, watching a Jacksonville game is marginally better than undergoing elective, invasive painful surgery for no reason whatsoever. While I am not a licensed physician, I will say, however, I can't in good conscience recommend either of these activities as a productive or healthy use of time or energy. -Christian Kohl, CBS Local Sports contributor

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